Lets Get These teen Hearts Beating Faster, Faster

Wow. It's been AGES since I last blogged. I know hardly anyone will read it and I guess I don't really care, I'm doing this for me anyway.

Anyone who has commented on my blog thank you, you indirectly helped me through the trickiest part of my life.

Things are getting better everyday. I go to a group therapy session once a week and it really helps to talk to other people in the same boat.

I've only known my best friend since July and I feel like I can tell her anything. I finally have someone to go to. I'm there for her if she needs me and she's there for me, knows when to talk and when to shut up and listen.

I've finally stopped cutting now I have someone to talk to who was in a similar position and wont judge or dictate. I know it isn't going to be easy and there are times when I am tempted but I've realised that the things that upset me enough to make me want to hurt myself are usually temporary. 5 days down the line they aren't going to matter. And hours after arguments will be resolved, my dad isn't setting out to hurt me, and we can reconcile if I try.

I don't know how long we have left, but I have to cherish every moment. I've got to live in the moment, for his sake.

I've thrown myself into music, writing songs has been a slow process because they felt to personal, maybe one day I'll let someone hear them. I do let people hear the songs that I write from different perspectives because then they aren't about me. I've discovered that I'm good at putting myself in other people's shoes now, and I realise how hard life is for other people other than me.

What else?

Oh, I'm 16 and single and proud. Most of the girls my age are all BOYS = LIFE! I feel sorry for them but, theres nothing I can do.

I'm going to an album launch party tomorrow, my first one, it should be a laugh. Theres a guy from a band who I like who may be going too so wish me luck...

good luck!

Thank you.  

If we talk or something, GREAT, but if we don't that's okay too. I have all I need in the world.

OH and because you read to the end, you can read a lyric I wrote from a SceneWhore (groupie) perspective (it's just what I think is going through their minds - I may be wrong but, oh well)  :

 I don't love you, I'm sure this feeling's lust,
I don't long for your heart, I just long for your touch,
your hands on my thighs, my legs either side,
this is as good as we get,
but my game isnt over yet,

my hands on your hips & your kiss on my lips,
we're all fame anorexics and were starving for attention,
a grinding of hips, a clashing of lips,
we're starving for attention, just starving for affection,

pout like a star and COME as you are,
because two losses aren't a win, and two wins aint no war,
This isn't love, but I'm falling fast,
and so I brace myself for the inevitable crash

a grinding of hips, a clashing of lips, we're starving for attention, just starving for affection,

And yeah, thats it.

Love Denii xxX

Thought For Today: If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

again. They were great but they messed me up badly. Some scene kid trying (and failing) to mosh with her boyfriend elbowed me in the rib AND the eye. My chest feels ready to fall apart.

I was in the third row at the beginning yet by the time Madina Lake came out I was near the back caught up in the mosh pit.

So although I feel broken, sick and in pain that night was the best night of my life and in the paraphrased words of Nathan Leone

"fuck yesterday, fuck tomorrow just make today the best day of your life"

Thought For Today:
If no one buys a ticket to a film in the cinema do they show it anyway?

The blog title is taken from the Smashing Pumpkins. If you have never heard that song listen to it...and then Madina Lake's cover version.

Honestly after Adalia I had tears in my eyes and I was smiling how was that?

Adalia

SMASHING PUMPKINS COVER

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8RDRb4SPkXY

Isnt it great

Anyway, 8 days until I'm 16. Old enough to smoke. Old enough to have sex. And old enough to know that I dont want to do either of those things yet.

My dad is getting me a guitar and I cant wait. It'll be awesome. After 4 years of begging him he can finally afford one. Isnt that amazing?

He's been acting more like his old self too. He even shouted at me yesterday. I had left the butter out of the fridge and he shouted at me for it. I couldnt stop smiling and he looked so confused when I jumped up and hugged him wrapped up in excitement.

Madina Lake won best single for Here I Stand in Kerrang this week I was like WOOOO! I know I may sound like a groupie or something but you have to see how great their music actually is. Speaking of which I'm going to see them in October WOO!

Smiling feels so good.

xxX

I admit it. I'm scared, afraid, confused, nostalgic, drained, stressed, tired and upset. I hate feeling like this but I guess because I am around him a lot I notice this a lot more. It hurts me to say the one thing I have been trying to deny for years.

My dad is... I may sound melo dramatic but I cant bring myself to type it because its as if writing it or saying makes it more real, and I dont know exactly what it is.

I went food shopping with him today and I felt as if I was looking after a child. Telling him not to touch certain things, telling him what things were and their uses, and even helping him put on a sticker they were handing out.

I dont know if I am trying to put blame somewhere but I just feel as if I am watching him fade away. there I go again crying like the OTT drama queen I am but I just cant help it.

Rachel (my biological mother) left when I was so young that all I have is one memory of her. My father has started to believe that everyone and anyone apart from his wife are out to get him and it scares me the way he talks sometimes. He's become paranoid and actually thinks we are trying to kill him.

I feel like its just a matter of time (and not a lot of it) before he starts to go senile and then I've lost him forever. There go the tears again but you have to understand that once he's gone I'll have no one left.

My siblings will take on their natural attitude of just deal with it whereas I'll be bound to, in my desperate attempts to be like them, become completly apathetic to anyone and everyone.

I know that when the inevitable happens I'll be too scared to talk. I already have trust issues which is why I'll never dare tell anyone I know. Blogging's a safe bet, you guys don't personally know me thus meaning you cant hurt me...much.

I feel as if very soon I'll turn into the cold hearted, careless bitch with the childlike father.

It's like everyone I care for just leaves me, whether they physically leave me or emotionally. You know? When I'm 30 I bet I'll be one of those women who cant settle down.

Maybe I'm over reacting. I think I'm over reacting.  I hope I'm over reacting.  

In other news I'm going to see Madina Lake again (supported by; My American Heart, Envy On The Coast and Halifax) in October and its my birthday in 10 days. Sweet 16 and all that!

First of all let me say, Madina Lake are the best band in the whole world ever and I love them so much. I entered this competition in Kerrang to win the chance to see them... and I won. I had a +1 so I invited my friend Eboni. 

So after checking the number that they called me from on the internet to make sure they were for real I jumped up and down screaming my head off! 

So it's the day of the gig (17th July) and I'm going to get Eboni from her house in ten minutes (she lives around the corner - how convienient?) and I've been dressed for hours. I go to her house and she isn't there so I phone her. It takes about half an hour of phone calls until she answers... to tell me she cant come. I cant go on my own so after hanging up on her (she could have told me sooner) I phone all the people I know to ask if they want to come...they're all busy. (I have such great friends)

I cant go. I go to my room and trash it completly angry with the eyeliner it took me so long to apply perfectly running down my now pink cheeks. Then I hear my phone its my sister.

"Just go on your own!" she tells me, "You don't need fake friends to have real fun."

And shes right, so after re-applying my eyeliner, mascara etc (not as nice as before) I grab my coat and run out of the door.

Once I got there I made friends with random people in the queue and once we got in it was absolutely amazing. They played all my favourite songs! It was well worth the *calculates* one and a half hour wait I had.

When they played "Pandora" I went mad...unfortunatly due to drink spillage my feet were stuck to the floor so after a bit of a struggle I finally made it out of the sticky part alive.

There was one time towards the end where Nathan jumped off of the amp into the crowd and I caught his shoulders! It was so cool. At the end of it they went off into the dressing room and I thought

"Thats it, the night is over..." boy was I wrong. It had only just begun. Me and my new "friends" went out to the bar area and they were there. Signing stuff for us (I got my top signed), taking pictures and Matthew even showed me his tattoos and explained what they meant. HOW COOL!

Then I had pictures taken with them, and I had some of Nathans beer AFTER he drank from it...how WOW! He was obviously drunk by the end of the night and I had a new found respect for them. Taking time out to play for 200 of their biggest fans in the UK and literally GIVING 'tickets' away really shows that they actually care about their fans and we ARENT just another way for them to make money (they didnt charge us a penny)

And my sister even picked me up and drove me home to save me from getting the last train home with God knows who.

I'm definitely going to see them again in October, and as for my 'friends'? They  missed out big time! I dont need them and I'm severing all ties, I almost didnt go because of them. I'll make new friends in college. 

I kept expecting to wake up and it was all a dream, but it wasnt. Because I went there, did it and I've got the signed T shirt to prove it...now I'm just waiting for that girl to email me the pictures!

________________________________________

My other sister had her baby on Friday. 4:11pm, 7lb 9oz baby boy called Hugh. Named after his father, how cheesy. They remind me of Pete & Jordan so much!

Thats all folks

THOUGHT FOR TODAY: I'm too happy to think straight!

... is cancelled. Pissed is Kerry, who'd already bought her dress and shoes and excited is me, because Kerry and Jessie were gonna drag me with them.

But yeah prom (and year book) is cancelled so I am going to use that money (all £30 of it lol) and get my hair straightened and highlighted red so that when I go to college I can do it like that. I swapped my Good Charlotte tickets to get tickets to see Paramore instead (Hayley Williams is my idol, so talented for a 17 year old), with a few friends and sort of friends.

Speaking of sort of friends there is this girl who I was sort of friends with but something happened. When we were younger we used to fall out a lot, and eventually stopped being friends all together for about two years and then, on the last day of school when we were signing shirts and books etc she writes something in mine about how we wasted so much time arguing and being silly and how deep down she was still my friend all along. If that isn't enough to get me going she starts crying saying how much she is going to miss me and I, in turn turn into the blubbering baby that I am, hugging everyone I know (and a few people I don't ). I also get quite a few hugs cuddles from a couple of cuties which makes me smile. 

My exams are here now and my next step is college. I am sort of looking forward to it yet not. I can't wait to move on with my life (now that things on the home front are starting to look up) but at the same time nostalgia has taken over in a big way. I want to go to college and meet new people (and seeing Mr Cute on a daily basis is the upside) but at the same time I dont want to go through the starting anew again. I have to sever all ties with secondary school crushes and I am going to miss all of those people who had put me down ("You goth!" or my personal favourite "Devil Worshipper" Like HELLO I GO CHURCH MORE THAN YOU!!) they made me who I am today, the girl who is no longer afraid to be different, the girl who has learnt to smile...and mean it but most of all the girl who has finally figured out who she really is.

CHEESINESS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't wait to go college or when I finally start to learn to play bass (once I get a bass for my birthday)

Thought For Today (your back bitch : The early worm may catch the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese

...days of my life. Me and my dad had another arguement. Natasha said that if I was a cutter I should have used a sharp knife on my wrist and at least done it properly. My dad didn't see this as a cause for concern yet somehow saw it fit to argue with me because I told her to shut up.

He's been picking at me all day since I got home from school, ah school. First GCSE exam on Wednesday and this is the sort of environment for revising I get. If I go to my room I get "Denise, youre being anti-social" yet if Im downstairs its "Go to your room if youre going to act like that."

He just came in here to tell me off and told me how useless I am. Why is it that all it takes is one sentance from him and its enough to have me fighting back tears? And why is it that I always lose this fight?

I just dont get where I went wrong? What does he want from me? I've given all I can.

He said he didn't want me always out on the street with my friends so I threw away my social life (that time I went out with my friends binge drinking was the first time I'd been out since I was 12), I have no friends outside of school and about 4 inside school, He wanted me not to let boys get in the way of my future and for that reason alone I've never had a proper boyfriend, He said crying is only ever done for attention and that it shows weakness so I try to find other ways to deal with it. He said I needed to lose some weight, I weigh a whole 12 stone and Im only 5 foot 8 (I am quite muscly 'coz I used to be a gymnast) and since then I haven't been able to bring myself to eat anything more than a handful of nuts when I am starving for about 2/3 days.

I'd do anything for him but there is one thing I cant do, and thats pretend that Im okay with Natasha because I'm just not, she psycholoically (sp?) screws with me and either no one else can see it or no one cares, From all that Ive told you in this blog since I started it can you honestly tell me where I have went wrong? Please.

Im too upset to even think straight let alone come up with something silly.

...thats right, I admit it I have it bad for(I'm going to give him a fake name) Fred*, I admit it I REALLY LIKE AM CRUSHING ON FRED* ... a little bit

But what about Mr Cute? (not like I have a chance with either of them). My friend thinks that I like him (Fred*) and that he likes me but I don't see how. She reads far too many cheesy romance novels and has watched one too many chick flicks! Real life doesn't work like that.

This is what happened:

*Fred kicks me*

"Hey! thats the thanx I get for trying to be nice to you!"

"Yeah well I missed you..." *trails off*

"aww you missed me?" *coos like a baby*

"yeah...well...I mean in maths" *goes to shove me I grab and twist his hand*

"ow, ow, forgive! Forgive!" *latches his hand on mine*

"let go"

"no you let go"

*5 mins later *

"one...two...three" *both let go*

"later loser"

"later chipmunk"

when I tell my over-romantic mate she says "aww he's clever." Anyone tell me what that means? or can they at least explain what they make of mine and Fred's* little conversation?

Something Silly: Why do we milk cows but not humans?

... who almost starts crying when you wont let him do your hair.

Me, Jack, Marc and Kerry went out on Friday and I told them all something (while I was in a very drunken state) then all of o sudden (well today) Therese somehow heard about it...from Jack.

So I ask him and he gets all stroppy with me! Who is he? If anything I should be pissed. If he told her that fuck knows what else he could have told someone else!!! Never trust Jack, 'spesh when you have alcohol in your system (and in my case lots of it )

But I'll live...for now.

Can't wait for my audition at the college I saw that guy at (I get to meet Mr Cute Guy again *grins*) but don't know what monologue to do. Thinking of one from the play As You Like It by Williams Shakespeare but everyone is butchering performing Shakespeare...though most would do Romeo & Juliet.

"My dismal scene I needs must act alone" - damn right over - actress piss off(I've heard that monologue by Juliet done so many times it'd make even Shakespeare sick of it)

Any suggestions for a half decent monologue

Something Silly: Women have eggs, but why can't we lay them like chickens do?

..."Come to my workplace and we can hang out at the same time." - Jack says so I do right. Its me, jack (as camp as a row of tents yet suprisingly as straight as a ruler), Marc (the closet party animal , and Kerry (its always the quiet ones...) only I thought "yeah a theatre or something right?" WRONG. My 15 year old friend works in a pub.

I only intended to have one drink but somehow ended up having more. A double scotch, a J2O (non alcoholic WOOHOO), and about 6 WKDs I was pissed. One thing everyone should know is when Im pissed I tell the truth, the harsh truth. And start saying things that I didnt know I thought. After discovering 2 of my ex's (both 17) doing erm...things with a member of the same gender as them I couldnt help but think

Gosh I turned two dudes gay! What the hell is wrong with me?

It was only a matter of time before those thoughts became words. I got hit about 6 times by Kerry for "having such low self esteem" but after all thats happened you can't expect me to think very highly of myself.

Jack dared me to kiss Marc and I was like "Shit! how the hell do I get outta this one" so I kissed him on the cheek. (Jack failed to specify where! Kudos to me) Had to pay £8 for a stinking cab home (they charged extra 'coz we dropped Kerry off)

Another topic. I have an audition for my drama course at westminster kingsway college! the same one. I have to do a 2 minute monologue that ha already been published. Need to find one not to mention learn it. I have until the 7th July AFTER my GCSEs thank God.

Hey, maybe I'll see Mr Cute Guy again!

silly something:
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?