Lets Get These teen Hearts Beating Faster, Faster

... who almost starts crying when you wont let him do your hair.

Me, Jack, Marc and Kerry went out on Friday and I told them all something (while I was in a very drunken state) then all of o sudden (well today) Therese somehow heard about it...from Jack.

So I ask him and he gets all stroppy with me! Who is he? If anything I should be pissed. If he told her that fuck knows what else he could have told someone else!!! Never trust Jack, 'spesh when you have alcohol in your system (and in my case lots of it )

But I'll live...for now.

Can't wait for my audition at the college I saw that guy at (I get to meet Mr Cute Guy again *grins*) but don't know what monologue to do. Thinking of one from the play As You Like It by Williams Shakespeare but everyone is butchering performing Shakespeare...though most would do Romeo & Juliet.

"My dismal scene I needs must act alone" - damn right over - actress piss off(I've heard that monologue by Juliet done so many times it'd make even Shakespeare sick of it)

Any suggestions for a half decent monologue

Something Silly: Women have eggs, but why can't we lay them like chickens do?

..."Come to my workplace and we can hang out at the same time." - Jack says so I do right. Its me, jack (as camp as a row of tents yet suprisingly as straight as a ruler), Marc (the closet party animal , and Kerry (its always the quiet ones...) only I thought "yeah a theatre or something right?" WRONG. My 15 year old friend works in a pub.

I only intended to have one drink but somehow ended up having more. A double scotch, a J2O (non alcoholic WOOHOO), and about 6 WKDs I was pissed. One thing everyone should know is when Im pissed I tell the truth, the harsh truth. And start saying things that I didnt know I thought. After discovering 2 of my ex's (both 17) doing erm...things with a member of the same gender as them I couldnt help but think

Gosh I turned two dudes gay! What the hell is wrong with me?

It was only a matter of time before those thoughts became words. I got hit about 6 times by Kerry for "having such low self esteem" but after all thats happened you can't expect me to think very highly of myself.

Jack dared me to kiss Marc and I was like "Shit! how the hell do I get outta this one" so I kissed him on the cheek. (Jack failed to specify where! Kudos to me) Had to pay £8 for a stinking cab home (they charged extra 'coz we dropped Kerry off)

Another topic. I have an audition for my drama course at westminster kingsway college! the same one. I have to do a 2 minute monologue that ha already been published. Need to find one not to mention learn it. I have until the 7th July AFTER my GCSEs thank God.

Hey, maybe I'll see Mr Cute Guy again!

silly something:
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Well now my whole family knows and they all reacted badly (calling me crazy, saying they dont get the need for control, saying I need mental help etc) but I'll live. I've learnt to become apathetic, to cut out all feeling. Tears dont fall (BFMV lol), smiles arent real and my face is void of all emotion. But its the only thing I can do now, the only way I can trick my mind into believing that I'm okay.

It's funny what I realised. I realised that people my age well girls my age are only after cute boys just to say "Oh I have a boyfriend. And he's hot!" but I never felt that. I may be young but I want someone who cares for me, Maybe its because Ive always felt so empty, unloved and unhappy but...yeah I've never been a fan of superficial & shallow relationships or superficial and shallow anything.

While were on the topic I had a...wait for it...moment! You know the ones that happen in adverts and the thing that James Blunt talks about in you're beautiful. When one person catches your eye and you end up wishing you could spend more than the moment. It was at my college interview and he was in the corridor of the building, what if I see him again? I will... I dunno but it would be cool. I saw him again on my way out and he said I had nice hair. I couldn't stop smiling...even when I got home.

NO LONGER AM I HAVING THOGHTS FOR THE DAY BUT...

Something Silly:
Two wrongs dont make a right... but three rights make a left

... my lil sister overheard my dad talking to Natasha about how I used to cut and now she told my big sister (who after calling me an attention seeking, mad girl with no real problems) told my other sister who has now gone to get my brother.

Now everyone knows and I cant take it anymore. I thought I was strong yet here I am blubbering and sobbing like a baby. I cant take it anymore, I want out, out of my house, out of my family and basically out of life. What do I have to hold on to? what do I have left?

I want it to end now! Ive had enough, I want my life to be over. I didnt even know I felt this way until these words started pouring out. I've had enough, I dont care about what happens, if I end up in hell, anywhere is better than earth.

xxx

Thought For Today: Why do I bother with thoughts for today? They do nothing to uplift my mood

My dad knows about my scars. He said that I might as well kiss my acting career goodbye but its not like I had got very far with it, sure im fan-fucking-tastic talented but I dont have the resources (no agent, no qualifications, v. little experience) so I guess acting is over before it began.

I made him promise not to tell anyone but he has told my eldest sister so now I know not to trust him anymore.

He thinks that I am a manic depressive. I looked it up and it does sound alot like me but I dont think that I am Bipolar 'coz Ive never been diagnosed. I think Im probably just a moody teenager that has a funny way of dealing with things.

Anywho 2 weeks left of school before my exams and I cant wait to see the back of the place. I HATE school it sucks so much. Its a bunch of superficial and stuck up people searching for approval from each other and sucking up others to get to the top of the social ladder. Its stupid and Im glad to not even be on that ladder because the ladder will come down and they'll drop off yet my feet are FIRMLY planted on the ground (even if my head is in the clouds!)

I JUST HAD A SONG IDEA g2g!

Thought For Today (I 4got yesterday): Do birds wee?

Cant wait for the GC concert!

I have got to stop caring about what others think of me. It is getting to a point where it hurts to breathe. Maybe not literally but metaphorically you know? Everyone has been getting on my case I'm like "I have more things to worry about then the state of my room!" and I even overheard my dad say "Shes an embarassment to us," he doesnt know the half of it.

I still have my blade and there have been at least 2 times when I have thought maybe just once more or there was even one time when I thought I wonder...if I just move it along a vein and the only thing that stopped me is the thought of the fact that there are others going through worse than having a family that sees them as an "embarassment", having a mother that doesnt care and a step mum that doesnt like them, constantly having to deal with all of the "Whats wrong with her? She has to change." and not remembering what it feels like to be happy.

I've tried to be strong but maybe I'm just not good enough. Maybe I was never strong to begin with and maybe just maybe (though I feel like its a possibilty) I dont deserve to be happy.

I spend more time fighting back tears and pretending to be okay then actually genuinly feeling okay.

The GC concert at least thats something to look forward to.

She is honestly getting on my nerves. No not Natasha as much but Mandy. She's meant to be my sister and she calls me shouting about how I haven't cleaned my room and there are dirty clothes all over the floor. PHONES me while I am at my brothers house and starts SHOUTING down the phone like I have committed some sort of crime.

Shes a phoney and a fake and if she wasn't my sister she'd be the sort of person I hate but because she is I can only dislike her.

She tells me how Natasha has no right to shout at me then she does it! and to add insult to injury she'd tell me how much Natasha annoys her then turn around and treat Natasha like Gods gift and completly sidestep me!!! I would so totally disown her if she wasnt pregnant (shes 27) but I heard that stress can cause a miscaridge and I dont want to be responsible, if something bad happened I couldn't forgive myself not for her! oh no forget her! For her baby and my nephew!

Apart from that today has been okay. But I have a question. Is it possible to talk to a councillor without my dad knowing? He thinks im fine and I dont want hime to know that sometimes I just aint.

THOUGHT FOR TODAY:Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

...who decided it'll be a good idea to make us come into school on a Saturday?!?

And its all "Oh its trampolining and badminton moderation so if they dont come in and they chose them sports then they dont get graded!"

Its unfair PE moderation should be done in PE time (or at least school time GRRRRRR)

Anyway Im looking forward to the Good Charlotte concert can't wait. I think I can have fun with my brother, after all he's old enough to buy alcohol so thats always good

Ive never been to a Good Charlotte concert before and they have got some mosh-able songs in their new album ('spesh the river with Avenged Sevenfold)I wonder if they mosh at GC concerts. I cant see myself headbanging and moshing along to "Girls dont like boys girls like cars and moneyyyyy" still love GC dont care what people say. (I love the song little things its so awesome)

My dog is getting mated today (she has to stay there for the weekend) so erm...yeah the house feels eerie without her heavy breathing (shes a fat sausage dog you see...) I think that there is something quite cruel, barbaric and primitive about breeding.

But as I always say (thanks to Panic!) "It sure as hell aint normal but we deal, we deal" (well I deal) so erm...yeah! My dad and his bitchy excuse for a wife are back from dropping of Paris (our dog) BOO HOO! I WANT HER BACK!!!

I never realised how much I love my diet dodging dog and I could never quite figure out why...

...THOUGHT FOR TODAY: If you tell someone they are being judgmental aren't you being judgmental yourself?

...but I was wrong. Its the prom on July 5th and I'm not sure if I want to go. I mean sure its for the memories and all but I doubt Id have fun. Theyre hiring a dj who will no doubt play pop music and bashment and thats it. Oh the fun I'll have.

But worst of all will be to go it alone. I barely have any friends and they all have dates (the eager beavers) and the chance of being asked to the prom is slim to none. (going with the none).

So I'll tag along, stick out and have a crappy time but its all for the memories. The pictures I can show my grankids and remembering that this is the second prom my school has had so Im lucky to have got one.

Exam and coursework stress is getting to me but I am handling it without harming although with the pressure building up that is getting harder but Im also getting stronger. Learning that there are other ways to deal with things without hurting myself.

Guy F (the one from yesterday's blog) hugged me today (okay in a jokey way) and I felt...nothing. So what does that mean exactly? Do I not like him? Does it mean anything? because after all I did say it, or am I just weird? lol

My brother is meant to be buying me tickets to see Good Charlotte and if my friend cant make it then he's going to come with me. That'll be okay I dont mind he'll fit in (not!) but he is paying so I cant really complain.

"...Its not so conventional, it sure as hell aint normal but we deal, we deal" - Panic! at the disco Relax, Relapse (Camisado). Oh how that sums up my life I'll deal seems to be the thing I always say now. If you havent heard of Panic! at the disco I suggest you listen to them (but you should have heard of them. I write sins not tragedies has been radio raped,)

Oh yeah and one more thing...
I luff you <3 &hearts

THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? And what would happen if they did? (anyone willing to try that out )

Have you ever met someone who makes you feel so silly. You watch guys who flirt with girls (I watch everything, very observant) and watch the girls swoon. I think how could they fall for that?

But he made me look at the world in such a different way. I thought I was misunderstood, because of the way I dress, the way I look and the way I act but he has it worse. He's popular and he's living a lie. He has to pretend every day to be something that he is not. He (maybe not directly) told me that the way it works is these girls want to be convinced that they are beautiful and these guys just wanna get the girls (Im not a boy basher and Im just being honest. Youre not all like that *fingers crossed* ).

When we first came to the school he wasnt popular but he became popular and with that lost touch with his true self.

I know all we do is talk and I know we probably definatly wouldn't get beyond that and I'm okay with it. I used to hate people like him "Is it that difficult to be yourself?" But now I envy and pity him all at the same time. He gets to have a lot of friends aquaintances, and he gets to listen to kick ass music (Seether anyone???) but at the same time it all comes at a price. Living wearing a constant mask.

And when I think of that, I wish him away, not the real him because the real him is the sex (maybe not that cool). I wish the mask away.

I spent a whole blog talking about this boy? What is wrong with me.

No I dont love like him, like him. He is a womaniser. (well girl-aliser coz he's only dated one older girl, 4 years older).

I guess he amazes me, He intrigues me, fascinates me and dare I say it scares me.

Mabye I do love him. It hurts when I see him with other girls, when I hear through the grape vine that him and this, that or other girl went this far etc.

But then again I have this gut feeling that I don't Love him. I thought when you love someone you just know you know? But why then am I so confused? Why then does it make me laugh when I hear a nasty rumour about him (the price of popularity)I cant supress a giggle?

Is it a platonic love? Do I love him but Im not in love with him?

And most importantly...

...THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Can you cry underwater?

My latest lyrics have no title. Help. Title it. Judge it. Not my best but oh well.

sex is just for lack of a better word btw

A rose by any other name will smell as sweet,
Yet every rose has its thorns,
Sex is swiftly followed by abandonment,
Two become one then one becomes two,

Excuse me while I pull the knife from my back,
Here have my heart,
Shatter it for its no use to me now,
You got what you want now go

My heart is ice and now its shattered,
The icicles stuck in my lungs,
But dont pretend to worry it doesnt hurt a lot,
only when I breathe

Excuse me while I pull the knife from my back,
Here have my heart,
Shatter it for its no use to me now,
You got what you want now go

For this one moment I wish you away,
But give it a day I'd want you back,
For this one moment don't want you to stay,
And you know better than that

I went to pets at home and I saw that they sell chinchillas (my favourite animal in the world) so I put on my sweet voice.

"Daddy, Can I have one please?" And this is what I get.

"No."

Just because Natasha's scared of rats. Its not a rat its a chinchilla two completly different animals. I think I'm going to buy two of them and just hide them in my room.

Sure I'll look after them but I just wont let my dad or my little sister see them.

I'll call them Brendon & Ryan after my two favourite members of Panic! at the disco or maybe I'll call them Pete & Patrick from Fall Out Boy (my favourite members of a different band).

I bought Kerrang (I'm so out of date I should have bought it on Wednesday when it came out) and I got this massive poster (A2). It had Trivium on oneside and Frank Iero holding an adorable little dog on the other side. Whats a girl to do? Frank eventually won though and I can't wait until Wednesday when theres going to be a big A2 poster of Fall Out Boy...after a water fight. *swoon*

After a lot of thinking I have decided to start taking my notebook into school. I always seem to get hit with a ray of creativity while in school (escpecially maths ) and have nothing to write it down in, lets just hope that no one steals it and reads it. That could be bad.

90% of the stuff I write in there is rubbish but every so of oten I'd read something back and it gives me idea's, inspiration and something to work from.

My lyrics have been getting more and more...blah and they need an injection of inspiration quickly. I want to try and write somthing deep from a shallow view point. You probably don't know what I am talking about so I'm going to shut up.

Today I tried to write lyrics for my non exsistant band. Money's been a little bit tight so I have to wait until August until I can get a guitar only then can I even think about even getting lessons

So I was sitting there, with my pen and my little note book writing words, scribbling, rephrasing them only to rip out the whole page and throw it away then realising that I could have kept them for future reference.

The thing is that I'm naturally a poetic person (at least I like to think so) but the problem is I have difficulty fitting them into songs which would be much easier if I had a guitar (and knew how to play it) so I can find a way to get it to fall into place. I finally wrote one song that sounds far better than it looks and I'm happy with it.

I want more than anything to finally form my own band and hopefully get a bit of recognition. Its going to be hard and starting in September I'm going to set it up from scratch. I'm going to have to find a new bassist, drummer and lead guitarist. LuCkY mE
But I've started on lyrics already so once I get my members I'm all set.

Me and my "step mum" had yet another arguement this time about the way I dress not that its any of her business. So what if I wear studs and maybe a couple of spikes. I like eyeliner and hoodies and I listen to punk/grunge/rockability etc what does it matter? And what made it bad is that everyone in my family took her side. Does it really matter what music I'm into?

The music I listen to and the clothes I wear, and my attitude to things as dark as death and as light as life define who I am and for them to insult it felt like they were taking a stab at the very person that I am. I ended up storming up to my room and went straight to bed and I didn't cry or cut because I realised just because they don't like who I am doesn't spell out the end of the world, its not going to cause me no physical pain (self inflicted or otherwise) anymore and it certainly isn't going to change who I am.

Because I believe in me regardless of what others may think and I've realised how emotionally weak I have been. It's about time I changed for the better because I don't like the person I was. This is my last post in this (rather deep and difficult) blog and I look forward to starting a new one. goodbye "The Life Of Me" and hello to

"Lets get these teen hearts beating faster, faster" Title Taken from Panic! at the disco, Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off

Bye Guys. See you in my new blog (hopefully)
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

This recent business with my "step-mother" Natasha has sparked a fuse in my brain and got me thinking. What of my real mother? I've decided to tell you about her and you're probably thinking Why is she spilling her heart out to a bunch of strangers? but for me it is easier to tell people who don't know me and I don't have to face then to get my emotions out in the open to others.

My parents divorced when I was about 2 1/2 and I went to live with my mother. She wasn't a very good mum to be honest and we were in and out of hotels, and ate one meal a day of fried egg and chips (My older siblings used to take care of me while she went out doing god knows what and thats all they could cook). It was hard and one by one we moved to live with my dad. She used to visit weekly and we all liked this arrangement until I was 5. One day she decided to stop visiting then a month later show up at our doorstep bringing her boyfriend over and tried to make me call him daddy. I'm not stupid, I know who my dad is and I refused. This sparked an arguement which ended with her leaving in a huff, and her new boyfriend with a broken nose. 

This may sound uber cheesy but its true, I still remember the last words we spoke to each other:

"Will you remember who I am?" - me

"Yeah of course I will?"   - her.

Then why did she stop talking to me? And why only srnd me one birthday card? I'd never admit it to anyone but you (because you don't personally know me) but it hurt.

Anyway change of topic. MCR. My Chemical Romance. They are the people that have changed my life, really. There has been so many lies going around about their "cult" status but they have never once told me to hurt myself. Their messages are messages of hope, of light in the darkest of days, and helping people like me through some tough times. Honestly listen to the words of Welcome To The Black Parade, look beyond the skeletal figures, the black costumes and the scary make-up (or at least ask yourself why they are there) and listen to the message, what they are actually saying.

Another final message to all those that have commented on my blog, thank you it really does mean a lot to me. Do you know what I did yesterday? I had my blade in my hand, put it to my skin, and didn't cut. I know it may not seem like a big deal to you but it is to me. I came so close but turned around and decided not to do it. Maybe I'm finally turning over a new leaf but I know its not over yet. This leaf just so happens to be made of lead. But I think I can do it, I know I can do it, though it may take a bit of time. Big huggles and smoochies to you all.

THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

The people I hate are infact my dads wife. Just her, that bitch. Let me explain what happened.

Who the fuck does she think she is?

She moans about me not tidying my room, fair enough but to go and just be plain spiteful and bitchy is another thing.
She was all

"I dont like denise" (she was talking to my dad by the way) "I cant wait until she is 16 and not my responsibility"

So I come downstairs and tell her to shut her mouth because she aint so perfect or she can just fuck off home and she was all

"I am at home, I am your mother"

The bitch fucking aint my fucking mother she just like a fucking maid, A mothers supposed to care and she couldnt care less about me (Now Billie is a different matter all together; she loves Billie)
Its like Rachel (my real mother) did a better job and she hasnt been around for 11 years. Then this morning my dad trys to make me say goodmorning to her, like she was gonna say it back HELL NO!
If she wasnt my dads wife she would be smothered in ugly bruises by now!
That arguement and the feeling of helplessness caused me to relapse and I now have three new scars to hide.

It also got me thinking about my life and if its really worth living. Dont worry, I'm not going to commit suicide for one thing I'm far too afraid of the few people that do care who I may leave behind. Im in one of those moods where whenever I look in the mirror I want to punch it because I hate the person looking back. I know I dont want to end it because every life is beautiful but I just wish it never began you know? I'll get over it, I always do

Guys are confusing honestly. We were playing this game yesterday in Science Revision called "Would You Screw?" (pretty self explainitory ) I was suprised at the sort of girls guys like. It confused me further, why am I still single? They like smart, pretty girls with a sense of humour and I'm sure I tick at least two of the three. Any guys out there care to explain the workings of your warped minds??

THOUGHT FOT TODAY: Why do we say we're head over heels when we're happy? Isn't that the way we normally are?