Lets Get These teen Hearts Beating Faster, Faster

... is cancelled. Pissed is Kerry, who'd already bought her dress and shoes and excited is me, because Kerry and Jessie were gonna drag me with them.

But yeah prom (and year book) is cancelled so I am going to use that money (all £30 of it lol) and get my hair straightened and highlighted red so that when I go to college I can do it like that. I swapped my Good Charlotte tickets to get tickets to see Paramore instead (Hayley Williams is my idol, so talented for a 17 year old), with a few friends and sort of friends.

Speaking of sort of friends there is this girl who I was sort of friends with but something happened. When we were younger we used to fall out a lot, and eventually stopped being friends all together for about two years and then, on the last day of school when we were signing shirts and books etc she writes something in mine about how we wasted so much time arguing and being silly and how deep down she was still my friend all along. If that isn't enough to get me going she starts crying saying how much she is going to miss me and I, in turn turn into the blubbering baby that I am, hugging everyone I know (and a few people I don't ). I also get quite a few hugs cuddles from a couple of cuties which makes me smile. 

My exams are here now and my next step is college. I am sort of looking forward to it yet not. I can't wait to move on with my life (now that things on the home front are starting to look up) but at the same time nostalgia has taken over in a big way. I want to go to college and meet new people (and seeing Mr Cute on a daily basis is the upside) but at the same time I dont want to go through the starting anew again. I have to sever all ties with secondary school crushes and I am going to miss all of those people who had put me down ("You goth!" or my personal favourite "Devil Worshipper" Like HELLO I GO CHURCH MORE THAN YOU!!) they made me who I am today, the girl who is no longer afraid to be different, the girl who has learnt to smile...and mean it but most of all the girl who has finally figured out who she really is.

CHEESINESS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't wait to go college or when I finally start to learn to play bass (once I get a bass for my birthday)

Thought For Today (your back bitch : The early worm may catch the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese

...days of my life. Me and my dad had another arguement. Natasha said that if I was a cutter I should have used a sharp knife on my wrist and at least done it properly. My dad didn't see this as a cause for concern yet somehow saw it fit to argue with me because I told her to shut up.

He's been picking at me all day since I got home from school, ah school. First GCSE exam on Wednesday and this is the sort of environment for revising I get. If I go to my room I get "Denise, youre being anti-social" yet if Im downstairs its "Go to your room if youre going to act like that."

He just came in here to tell me off and told me how useless I am. Why is it that all it takes is one sentance from him and its enough to have me fighting back tears? And why is it that I always lose this fight?

I just dont get where I went wrong? What does he want from me? I've given all I can.

He said he didn't want me always out on the street with my friends so I threw away my social life (that time I went out with my friends binge drinking was the first time I'd been out since I was 12), I have no friends outside of school and about 4 inside school, He wanted me not to let boys get in the way of my future and for that reason alone I've never had a proper boyfriend, He said crying is only ever done for attention and that it shows weakness so I try to find other ways to deal with it. He said I needed to lose some weight, I weigh a whole 12 stone and Im only 5 foot 8 (I am quite muscly 'coz I used to be a gymnast) and since then I haven't been able to bring myself to eat anything more than a handful of nuts when I am starving for about 2/3 days.

I'd do anything for him but there is one thing I cant do, and thats pretend that Im okay with Natasha because I'm just not, she psycholoically (sp?) screws with me and either no one else can see it or no one cares, From all that Ive told you in this blog since I started it can you honestly tell me where I have went wrong? Please.

Im too upset to even think straight let alone come up with something silly.

...thats right, I admit it I have it bad for(I'm going to give him a fake name) Fred*, I admit it I REALLY LIKE AM CRUSHING ON FRED* ... a little bit

But what about Mr Cute? (not like I have a chance with either of them). My friend thinks that I like him (Fred*) and that he likes me but I don't see how. She reads far too many cheesy romance novels and has watched one too many chick flicks! Real life doesn't work like that.

This is what happened:

*Fred kicks me*

"Hey! thats the thanx I get for trying to be nice to you!"

"Yeah well I missed you..." *trails off*

"aww you missed me?" *coos like a baby*

"yeah...well...I mean in maths" *goes to shove me I grab and twist his hand*

"ow, ow, forgive! Forgive!" *latches his hand on mine*

"let go"

"no you let go"

*5 mins later *

"one...two...three" *both let go*

"later loser"

"later chipmunk"

when I tell my over-romantic mate she says "aww he's clever." Anyone tell me what that means? or can they at least explain what they make of mine and Fred's* little conversation?

Something Silly: Why do we milk cows but not humans?