Lets Get These teen Hearts Beating Faster, Faster

I admit it. I'm scared, afraid, confused, nostalgic, drained, stressed, tired and upset. I hate feeling like this but I guess because I am around him a lot I notice this a lot more. It hurts me to say the one thing I have been trying to deny for years.

My dad is... I may sound melo dramatic but I cant bring myself to type it because its as if writing it or saying makes it more real, and I dont know exactly what it is.

I went food shopping with him today and I felt as if I was looking after a child. Telling him not to touch certain things, telling him what things were and their uses, and even helping him put on a sticker they were handing out.

I dont know if I am trying to put blame somewhere but I just feel as if I am watching him fade away. there I go again crying like the OTT drama queen I am but I just cant help it.

Rachel (my biological mother) left when I was so young that all I have is one memory of her. My father has started to believe that everyone and anyone apart from his wife are out to get him and it scares me the way he talks sometimes. He's become paranoid and actually thinks we are trying to kill him.

I feel like its just a matter of time (and not a lot of it) before he starts to go senile and then I've lost him forever. There go the tears again but you have to understand that once he's gone I'll have no one left.

My siblings will take on their natural attitude of just deal with it whereas I'll be bound to, in my desperate attempts to be like them, become completly apathetic to anyone and everyone.

I know that when the inevitable happens I'll be too scared to talk. I already have trust issues which is why I'll never dare tell anyone I know. Blogging's a safe bet, you guys don't personally know me thus meaning you cant hurt me...much.

I feel as if very soon I'll turn into the cold hearted, careless bitch with the childlike father.

It's like everyone I care for just leaves me, whether they physically leave me or emotionally. You know? When I'm 30 I bet I'll be one of those women who cant settle down.

Maybe I'm over reacting. I think I'm over reacting.  I hope I'm over reacting.  

In other news I'm going to see Madina Lake again (supported by; My American Heart, Envy On The Coast and Halifax) in October and its my birthday in 10 days. Sweet 16 and all that!

First of all let me say, Madina Lake are the best band in the whole world ever and I love them so much. I entered this competition in Kerrang to win the chance to see them... and I won. I had a +1 so I invited my friend Eboni. 

So after checking the number that they called me from on the internet to make sure they were for real I jumped up and down screaming my head off! 

So it's the day of the gig (17th July) and I'm going to get Eboni from her house in ten minutes (she lives around the corner - how convienient?) and I've been dressed for hours. I go to her house and she isn't there so I phone her. It takes about half an hour of phone calls until she answers... to tell me she cant come. I cant go on my own so after hanging up on her (she could have told me sooner) I phone all the people I know to ask if they want to come...they're all busy. (I have such great friends)

I cant go. I go to my room and trash it completly angry with the eyeliner it took me so long to apply perfectly running down my now pink cheeks. Then I hear my phone its my sister.

"Just go on your own!" she tells me, "You don't need fake friends to have real fun."

And shes right, so after re-applying my eyeliner, mascara etc (not as nice as before) I grab my coat and run out of the door.

Once I got there I made friends with random people in the queue and once we got in it was absolutely amazing. They played all my favourite songs! It was well worth the *calculates* one and a half hour wait I had.

When they played "Pandora" I went mad...unfortunatly due to drink spillage my feet were stuck to the floor so after a bit of a struggle I finally made it out of the sticky part alive.

There was one time towards the end where Nathan jumped off of the amp into the crowd and I caught his shoulders! It was so cool. At the end of it they went off into the dressing room and I thought

"Thats it, the night is over..." boy was I wrong. It had only just begun. Me and my new "friends" went out to the bar area and they were there. Signing stuff for us (I got my top signed), taking pictures and Matthew even showed me his tattoos and explained what they meant. HOW COOL!

Then I had pictures taken with them, and I had some of Nathans beer AFTER he drank from it...how WOW! He was obviously drunk by the end of the night and I had a new found respect for them. Taking time out to play for 200 of their biggest fans in the UK and literally GIVING 'tickets' away really shows that they actually care about their fans and we ARENT just another way for them to make money (they didnt charge us a penny)

And my sister even picked me up and drove me home to save me from getting the last train home with God knows who.

I'm definitely going to see them again in October, and as for my 'friends'? They  missed out big time! I dont need them and I'm severing all ties, I almost didnt go because of them. I'll make new friends in college. 

I kept expecting to wake up and it was all a dream, but it wasnt. Because I went there, did it and I've got the signed T shirt to prove it...now I'm just waiting for that girl to email me the pictures!

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My other sister had her baby on Friday. 4:11pm, 7lb 9oz baby boy called Hugh. Named after his father, how cheesy. They remind me of Pete & Jordan so much!

Thats all folks

THOUGHT FOR TODAY: I'm too happy to think straight!