I admit it. I'm scared, afraid, confused, nostalgic, drained, stressed, tired and upset. I hate feeling like this but I guess because I am around him a lot I notice this a lot more. It hurts me to say the one thing I have been trying to deny for years.
My dad is... I may sound melo dramatic but I cant bring myself to type it because its as if writing it or saying makes it more real, and I dont know exactly what it is.
I went food shopping with him today and I felt as if I was looking after a child. Telling him not to touch certain things, telling him what things were and their uses, and even helping him put on a sticker they were handing out.
I dont know if I am trying to put blame somewhere but I just feel as if I am watching him fade away. there I go again crying like the OTT drama queen I am but I just cant help it.
Rachel (my biological mother) left when I was so young that all I have is one memory of her. My father has started to believe that everyone and anyone apart from his wife are out to get him and it scares me the way he talks sometimes. He's become paranoid and actually thinks we are trying to kill him.
I feel like its just a matter of time (and not a lot of it) before he starts to go senile and then I've lost him forever. There go the tears again but you have to understand that once he's gone I'll have no one left.
My siblings will take on their natural attitude of just deal with it whereas I'll be bound to, in my desperate attempts to be like them, become completly apathetic to anyone and everyone.
I know that when the inevitable happens I'll be too scared to talk. I already have trust issues which is why I'll never dare tell anyone I know. Blogging's a safe bet, you guys don't personally know me thus meaning you cant hurt me...much.
I feel as if very soon I'll turn into the cold hearted, careless bitch with the childlike father.
It's like everyone I care for just leaves me, whether they physically leave me or emotionally. You know? When I'm 30 I bet I'll be one of those women who cant settle down.
Maybe I'm over reacting. I think I'm over reacting. I hope I'm over reacting.
In other news I'm going to see Madina Lake again (supported by; My American Heart, Envy On The Coast and Halifax) in October and its my birthday in 10 days. Sweet 16 and all that!
