http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/en-EUMokoFeed10http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/http://data5.blog.de/design/preview/6f/c9c76bd275fb951b8b8936f5ddc7ae_160x200.jpghttp://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2008/02/20/i_guess_it_s_been_a_while~3755185/tag:xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk,2008-02-20:/2008/02/20/i_guess_it_s_been_a_while~3755185/Wed, 20 Feb 2008 13:52:59 +0100 <p>Wow. It's been AGES since I last blogged. I know hardly anyone will read it and I guess I don't really care, I'm doing this for me anyway. </p> <p>Anyone who has commented on my blog thank you, you indirectly helped me through the trickiest part of my life. </p> <p>Things are getting better everyday. I go to a group therapy session once a week and it really helps to talk to other people in the same boat.</p> <p>I've only known my best friend since July and I feel like I can tell her anything. I finally have someone to go to. I'm there for her if she needs me and she's there for me, knows when to talk and when to shut up and listen.</p> <p>I've finally stopped cutting now I have someone to talk to who was in a similar position and wont judge or dictate. I know it isn't going to be easy and there are times when I am tempted but I've realised that the things that upset me enough to make me want to hurt myself are usually temporary. 5 days down the line they aren't going to matter. And hours after arguments will be resolved, my dad isn't setting out to hurt me, and we can reconcile if I try. </p> <p>I don't know how long we have left, but I have to cherish every moment. I've got to live in the moment, for his sake.</p> <p>I've thrown myself into music, writing songs has been a slow process because they felt to personal, maybe one day I'll let someone hear them. I do let people hear the songs that I write from different perspectives because then they aren't about me. I've discovered that I'm good at putting myself in other people's shoes now, and I realise how hard life is for other people other than me. </p> <p>What else?</p> <p>Oh, I'm 16 and single and proud. Most of the girls my age are all BOYS = LIFE! I feel sorry for them but, theres nothing I can do. </p> <p>I'm going to an album launch party tomorrow, my first one, it should be a laugh. Theres a guy from a band who I like who may be going too so wish me luck...</p> <p><em>good luck!</p> <p></em>Thank you. <img class="smiley" src="http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/tinymce/jss/plugins/blogdeemotions/smilies/icon_crazy.gif" border="0" alt=""> </p> <p>If we talk or something, GREAT, but if we don't that's okay too. I have all I need in the world. </p> <p>OH and because you read to the end, you can read a lyric I wrote from a SceneWhore (groupie) perspective (it's just what I think is going through their minds - I may be wrong but, oh well)  :</p> <p> <em>I </em><em>don't love you, I'm sure this feeling's lust, <br>I don't long for your heart, I just long for your touch,<br>your hands on my thighs, my legs either side, <br>this is as good as we get, <br>but my game isnt over yet, </p> <p>my hands on your hips & your kiss on my lips, <br>we're all fame anorexics and were starving for attention, <br>a grinding of hips, a clashing of lips, <br>we're starving for attention, just starving for affection, </p> <p>pout like a star and COME as you are, <br>because two losses aren't a win, and two wins aint no war, <br>This isn't love, but I'm falling fast,<br>and so I brace myself for the inevitable crash </p> <p>a grinding of hips, a clashing of lips, we're starving for attention, just starving for affection, </p> <p></em>And yeah, thats it.</p> <p>Love Denii xxX</p> <p>Thought For Today: If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from<br>vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?<br><br></p> <p> <small> <a href="http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2008/02/20/i_guess_it_s_been_a_while~3755185/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2008/02/20/i_guess_it_s_been_a_while~3755185/#commentshttp://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/10/05/madina_lake_were_awesome~3091129/tag:xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk,2007-10-05:/2007/10/05/madina_lake_were_awesome~3091129/Fri, 05 Oct 2007 21:08:00 +0200 <p>again. They were great but they messed me up badly. Some scene kid trying (and failing) to mosh with her boyfriend elbowed me in the rib AND the eye. My chest feels ready to fall apart. </p> <p>I was in the third row at the beginning yet by the time Madina Lake came out I was near the back caught up in the mosh pit. </p> <p>So although I feel broken, sick and in pain that night was the best night of my life and in the paraphrased words of Nathan Leone</p> <p>"fuck yesterday, fuck tomorrow just make today the best day of your life"</p> <p>Thought For Today:<br> If no one buys a ticket to a film in the cinema do they show it anyway? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/10/05/madina_lake_were_awesome~3091129/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/10/05/madina_lake_were_awesome~3091129/#commentshttp://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/08/01/today_is_the_greatest_day_i_ve_ever_know~2738547/tag:xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk,2007-08-01:/2007/08/01/today_is_the_greatest_day_i_ve_ever_know~2738547/Wed, 01 Aug 2007 14:56:13 +0200 <p>The blog title is taken from the Smashing Pumpkins. If you have never heard that song listen to it...and then Madina Lake's cover version. </p> <p>Honestly after Adalia I had tears in my eyes and I was smiling how was that?</p> <p>Adalia</p> <p>SMASHING PUMPKINS COVER </p> <p><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8RDRb4SPkXY">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8RDRb4SPkXY</a></p> <p>Isnt it great</p> <p>Anyway, 8 days until I'm 16. Old enough to smoke. Old enough to have sex. And old enough to know that I dont want to do either of those things yet. </p> <p>My dad is getting me a guitar and I cant wait. It'll be awesome. After 4 years of begging him he can finally afford one. Isnt that amazing? </p> <p>He's been acting more like his old self too. He even shouted at me yesterday. I had left the butter out of the fridge and he shouted at me for it. I couldnt stop smiling and he looked so confused when I jumped up and hugged him wrapped up in excitement. </p> <p>Madina Lake won best single for Here I Stand in Kerrang this week I was like WOOOO! I know I may sound like a groupie or something but you have to see how great their music actually is. Speaking of which I'm going to see them in October WOO!</p> <p>Smiling feels so good. </p> <p>xxX </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/08/01/today_is_the_greatest_day_i_ve_ever_know~2738547/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/08/01/today_is_the_greatest_day_i_ve_ever_know~2738547/#commentshttp://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/07/30/i_don_t_blame_you_for_being_you_but_you_~2728752/tag:xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk,2007-07-30:/2007/07/30/i_don_t_blame_you_for_being_you_but_you_~2728752/Mon, 30 Jul 2007 20:02:52 +0200 <p>I admit it. I'm scared, afraid, confused, nostalgic, drained, stressed, tired and upset. I hate feeling like this but I guess because I am around him a lot I notice this a lot more. It hurts me to say the one thing I have been trying to deny for years. </p> <p>My dad is... I may sound melo dramatic but I cant bring myself to type it because its as if writing it or saying makes it more real, and I dont know exactly what <em>it</em> is. </p> <p>I went food shopping with him today and I felt as if I was looking after a child. Telling him not to touch certain things, telling him what things were and their uses, and even helping him put on a sticker they were handing out. </p> <p>I dont know if I am trying to put blame somewhere but I just feel as if I am watching him fade away. <em>there I go again crying like the OTT drama queen I am but I just cant help it. </p> <p></em>Rachel (my biological mother) left when I was so young that all I have is one memory of her. My father has started to believe that everyone and anyone apart from his wife are out to get him and it scares me the way he talks sometimes. He's become paranoid and actually thinks we are trying to kill him.</p> <p>I feel like its just a matter of time (and not a lot of it) before he starts to go senile and then I've lost him forever. There go the tears again but you have to understand that once he's gone I'll have no one left. </p> <p>My siblings will take on their natural attitude of <em>just deal with it </em>whereas I'll be bound to, in my desperate attempts to be like them, become completly apathetic to anyone and everyone.</p> <p>I know that when the inevitable happens I'll be too scared to talk. I already have trust issues which is why I'll never dare tell anyone I know. Blogging's a safe bet, you guys don't personally know me thus meaning you cant hurt me...much. </p> <p>I feel as if very soon I'll turn into the cold hearted, careless bitch with the childlike father. </p> <p>It's like everyone I care for just leaves me, whether they physically leave me or emotionally. You know? When I'm 30 I bet I'll be one of those women who cant settle down. </p> <p>Maybe I'm over reacting. I think I'm over reacting.  I hope I'm over reacting.  </p> <p>In other news I'm going to see Madina Lake again (supported by; My American Heart, Envy On The Coast and Halifax) in October and its my birthday in 10 days. Sweet 16 and all that! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/07/30/i_don_t_blame_you_for_being_you_but_you_~2728752/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/07/30/i_don_t_blame_you_for_being_you_but_you_~2728752/#commentshttp://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/07/21/you_don_t_need_fake_friends_to_have_real~2675628/tag:xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk,2007-07-21:/2007/07/21/you_don_t_need_fake_friends_to_have_real~2675628/Sat, 21 Jul 2007 13:34:56 +0200 <p>First of all let me say, Madina Lake are the best band in the whole world ever and I love them so much. I entered this competition in Kerrang to win the chance to see them... and I won. I had a +1 so I invited my friend Eboni. </p> <p>So after checking the number that they called me from on the internet to make sure they were for real I jumped up and down screaming my head off! </p> <p>So it's the day of the gig (17th July) and I'm going to get Eboni from her house in ten minutes (she lives around the corner - how convienient?) and I've been dressed for hours. I go to her house and she isn't there so I phone her. It takes about half an hour of phone calls until she answers... to tell me she cant come. I cant go on my own so after hanging up on her (she could have told me sooner) I phone all the people I know to ask if they want to come...they're all busy. (I have such great friends)</p> <p>I cant go. I go to my room and trash it completly angry with the eyeliner it took me so long to apply perfectly running down my now pink cheeks. Then I hear my phone its my sister. </p> <p>"Just go on your own!" she tells me, "You don't need fake friends to have real fun." </p> <p>And shes right, so after re-applying my eyeliner, mascara etc (not as nice as before) I grab my coat and run out of the door.</p> <p>Once I got there I made friends with random people in the queue and once we got in it was absolutely amazing. They played all my favourite songs! It was well worth the *calculates* one and a half hour wait I had.</p> <p>When they played "Pandora" I went mad...unfortunatly due to drink spillage my feet were stuck to the floor so after a bit of a struggle I finally made it out of the sticky part alive. </p> <p>There was one time towards the end where Nathan jumped off of the amp into the crowd and I caught his shoulders! It was so cool. At the end of it they went off into the dressing room and I thought </p> <p>"Thats it, the night is over..." boy was I wrong. It had only just begun. Me and my new "friends" went out to the bar area and they were there. Signing stuff for us (I got my top signed), taking pictures and Matthew even showed me his tattoos and explained what they meant. HOW COOL! </p> <p>Then I had pictures taken with them, and I had some of Nathans beer AFTER he drank from it...how WOW! He was obviously drunk by the end of the night and I had a new found respect for them. Taking time out to play for 200 of their biggest fans in the UK and literally GIVING 'tickets' away really shows that they actually care about their fans and we ARENT just another way for them to make money (they didnt charge us a penny)</p> <p>And my sister even picked me up and drove me home to save me from getting the last train home with God knows who.</p> <p>I'm definitely going to see them again in October, and as for my 'friends'? They  missed out big time! I dont need them and I'm severing all ties, I almost didnt go because of them. I'll make new friends in college. </p> <p>I kept expecting to wake up and it was all a dream, but it wasnt. Because I went there, did it and I've got the signed T shirt to prove it...now I'm just waiting for that girl to email me the pictures!</p> <p>________________________________________</p> <p>My other sister had her baby on Friday. 4:11pm, 7lb 9oz baby boy called Hugh. Named after his father, how cheesy. They remind me of Pete & Jordan so much! </p> <p>Thats all folks</p> <p>THOUGHT FOR TODAY: I'm too happy to think straight!</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/07/21/you_don_t_need_fake_friends_to_have_real~2675628/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/07/21/you_don_t_need_fake_friends_to_have_real~2675628/#commentshttp://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/05/17/the_prom_tearful_apologies_aamp_aamp_col~2288424/tag:xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk,2007-05-17:/2007/05/17/the_prom_tearful_apologies_aamp_aamp_col~2288424/Thu, 17 May 2007 19:46:45 +0200 <p>... is cancelled. Pissed is Kerry, who'd already bought her dress and shoes and excited is me, because Kerry and Jessie were gonna drag me with them. </p> <p>But yeah prom (and year book) is cancelled so I am going to use that money (all £30 of it lol) and get my hair straightened and highlighted red so that when I go to college I can do it like that. I swapped my Good Charlotte tickets to get tickets to see Paramore instead (Hayley Williams is my idol, so talented for a 17 year old), with a few friends and sort of friends.</p> <p>Speaking of sort of friends there is this girl who I was sort of friends with but something happened. When we were younger we used to fall out a lot, and eventually stopped being friends all together for about two years and then, on the last day of school when we were signing shirts and books etc she writes something in mine about how we wasted so much time arguing and being silly and how deep down she was still my friend all along. If that isn't enough to get me going she starts crying saying how much she is going to miss me and I, in turn turn into the blubbering baby that I am, hugging everyone I know (and a few people I don't <img src="/img/smilies/icon_wink.gif" alt=";)" class="middle" border="0">). I also get quite a few hugs cuddles from a couple of cuties which makes me smile. </p> <p>My exams are here now and my next step is college. I am sort of looking forward to it yet not. I can't wait to move on with my life (now that things on the home front are starting to look up) but at the same time nostalgia has taken over in a big way. I want to go to college and meet new people (and seeing Mr Cute on a daily basis is the upside) but at the same time I dont want to go through the starting anew again. I have to sever all ties with secondary school crushes and I am going to miss all of those people who had put me down ("You goth!" or my personal favourite "Devil Worshipper" Like HELLO I GO CHURCH MORE THAN YOU!!) they made me who I am today, the girl who is no longer afraid to be different, the girl who has learnt to smile...and mean it but most of all the girl who has finally figured out who she really is.</p> <p>CHEESINESS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!</p> <p>I can't wait to go college or when I finally start to learn to play bass (once I get a bass for my birthday)</p> <p>Thought For Today (your back bitch <img src="/img/smilies/graylaugh.gif" alt=":))" class="middle" border="0">: The early worm may catch the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/05/17/the_prom_tearful_apologies_aamp_aamp_col~2288424/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/05/17/the_prom_tearful_apologies_aamp_aamp_col~2288424/#commentshttp://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/05/08/one_of_the_worst~2235852/tag:xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk,2007-05-08:/2007/05/08/one_of_the_worst~2235852/Tue, 08 May 2007 21:55:05 +0200 <p>...days of my life. Me and my dad had another arguement. Natasha said that if I was a cutter I should have used a sharp knife on my wrist and at least done it properly. My dad didn't see this as a cause for concern yet somehow saw it fit to argue with me because I told her to shut up.</p> <p>He's been picking at me all day since I got home from school, ah school. First GCSE exam on Wednesday and this is the sort of environment for revising I get. If I go to my room I get "Denise, youre being anti-social" yet if Im downstairs its "Go to your room if youre going to act like that."</p> <p>He just came in here to tell me off and told me how useless I am. Why is it that all it takes is one sentance from him and its enough to have me fighting back tears? And why is it that I always lose this fight?</p> <p>I just dont get where I went wrong? What does he want from me? I've given all I can.</p> <p>He said he didn't want me always out on the street with my friends so I threw away my social life (that time I went out with my friends binge drinking was the first time I'd been out since I was 12), I have no friends outside of school and about 4 inside school, He wanted me not to let boys get in the way of my future and for that reason alone I've never had a <em>proper</em> boyfriend, He said crying is only ever done for attention and that it shows weakness so I try to find other ways to deal with it. He said I needed to lose some weight, I weigh a whole 12 stone and Im only 5 foot 8 (I am quite muscly 'coz I used to be a gymnast) and since then I haven't been able to bring myself to eat anything more than a handful of nuts when I am starving for about 2/3 days. </p> <p>I'd do anything for him but there is one thing I cant do, and thats pretend that Im okay with Natasha because I'm just not, she psycholoically (sp?) screws with me and either no one else can see it or no one cares, From all that Ive told you in this blog since I started it can you honestly tell me where I have went wrong? Please.</p> <p>Im too upset to even think straight let alone come up with something silly. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/05/08/one_of_the_worst~2235852/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/05/08/one_of_the_worst~2235852/#commentshttp://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/05/02/i_ve_got_it_bad~2199840/tag:xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk,2007-05-02:/2007/05/02/i_ve_got_it_bad~2199840/Wed, 02 May 2007 22:20:12 +0200 <p>...thats right, I admit it I have it bad for(I'm going to give him a fake name) Fred*, I admit it I <del>REALLY LIKE </del> AM CRUSHING ON FRED* ... a little bit</p> <p>But what about Mr Cute? (not like I have a chance with either of them). My friend thinks that I like him (Fred*) and that he likes me but I don't see how. She reads far too many cheesy romance novels and has watched one too many chick flicks! Real life doesn't work like that.</p> <p>This is what happened:</p> <p>*Fred kicks me*</p> <p>"Hey! thats the thanx I get for trying to be nice to you!" </p> <p>"Yeah well I missed you..." *trails off*</p> <p>"aww you missed me?" *coos like a baby*</p> <p>"yeah...well...I mean in maths" *goes to shove me I grab and twist his hand*</p> <p>"ow, ow, forgive! Forgive!" *latches his hand on mine*</p> <p>"let go"</p> <p>"no you let go" </p> <p><strong>*5 mins later </strong>*</p> <p>"one...two...three" *both let go*</p> <p>"later loser"</p> <p>"later chipmunk"</p> <p>when I tell my over-romantic mate she says "aww he's clever." Anyone tell me what that means? or can they at least explain what they make of mine and Fred's* little conversation?</p> <p>Something Silly: Why do we milk cows but not humans? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/05/02/i_ve_got_it_bad~2199840/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/05/02/i_ve_got_it_bad~2199840/#commentshttp://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/30/never_trust_a_guy~2187267/tag:xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk,2007-04-30:/2007/04/30/never_trust_a_guy~2187267/Mon, 30 Apr 2007 20:12:04 +0200 <p>... who almost starts crying when you wont let him do your hair.</p> <p>Me, Jack, Marc and Kerry went out on Friday and I told them all something (while I was in a very drunken state) then all of o sudden (well today) Therese somehow heard about it...from Jack.</p> <p>So I ask him and he gets all stroppy with me! Who is he? If anything I should be pissed. If he told her that fuck knows what else he could have told someone else!!! Never trust Jack, 'spesh when you have alcohol in your system (and in my case lots of it <img src="/img/smilies/graybigrazz.gif" alt=":P" class="middle" border="0">)</p> <p>But I'll live...for now. </p> <p>Can't wait for my audition at the college I saw that guy at (I get to meet Mr Cute Guy again *grins*) but don't know what monologue to do. Thinking of one from the play As You Like It by Williams Shakespeare but everyone is <del>butchering</del> performing Shakespeare...though most would do Romeo & Juliet. </p> <p>"My dismal scene I needs must act alone" - <del>damn right over - actress piss off</del>(I've heard that monologue by Juliet done so many times it'd make even Shakespeare sick of it)</p> <p>Any suggestions for a half decent monologue</p> <p>Something Silly: Women have eggs, but why can't we lay them like chickens do?</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/30/never_trust_a_guy~2187267/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/30/never_trust_a_guy~2187267/#commentshttp://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/28/the_joys_of_underage_drinking~2174463/tag:xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk,2007-04-28:/2007/04/28/the_joys_of_underage_drinking~2174463/Sat, 28 Apr 2007 10:08:29 +0200 <p>..."Come to my workplace and we can hang out at the same time." - Jack says so I do right. Its me, jack (as camp as a row of tents yet suprisingly as straight as a ruler), Marc (the closet party animal <img src="/img/smilies/graylaugh.gif" alt=":))" class="middle" border="0">, and Kerry (its always the quiet ones...) only I thought "yeah a theatre or something right?" WRONG. My 15 year old friend works in a pub. </p> <p>I only intended to have one drink but somehow ended up having more. A double scotch, a J2O (non alcoholic WOOHOO), and about 6 WKDs I was pissed. One thing everyone should know is when Im pissed I tell the truth, the harsh truth. And start saying things that I didnt know I thought. After discovering 2 of my ex's (both 17) doing erm...things with a member of the same gender as them I couldnt help but think </p> <p><em>Gosh I turned two dudes gay! What the hell is wrong with me?</em></p> <p>It was only a matter of time before those thoughts became words. I got hit about 6 times by Kerry for "having such low self esteem" but after all thats happened you can't expect me to think very highly of myself. </p> <p>Jack dared me to kiss Marc and I was like "Shit! how the hell do I get outta this one" so I kissed him on the cheek. (Jack failed to specify where! Kudos to me) Had to pay £8 for a stinking cab home (they charged extra 'coz we dropped Kerry off)</p> <p>Another topic. I have an audition for my drama course at westminster kingsway college! the same one. I have to do a 2 minute monologue that ha already been published. Need to find one not to mention learn it. I have until the 7th July AFTER my GCSEs thank God. </p> <p>Hey, maybe I'll see Mr Cute Guy again!</p> <p>silly something:<br> Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/28/the_joys_of_underage_drinking~2174463/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/28/the_joys_of_underage_drinking~2174463/#commentshttp://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/26/i_ll_survive_its_the_only_thing_i_can_do~2167541/tag:xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk,2007-04-26:/2007/04/26/i_ll_survive_its_the_only_thing_i_can_do~2167541/Thu, 26 Apr 2007 22:19:24 +0200 <p>Well now my whole family knows and they all reacted badly (calling me crazy, saying they dont get the need for control, saying I need mental help etc) but I'll live. I've learnt to become apathetic, to cut out all feeling. Tears dont fall (BFMV lol), smiles arent real and my face is void of all emotion. But its the only thing I can do now, the only way I can trick my mind into believing that I'm okay. </p> <p>It's funny what I realised. I realised that people my age well <em>girls</em> my age are only after cute boys just to say "Oh I have a boyfriend. And he's hot!" but I never felt that. I may be young but I want someone who cares for me, Maybe its because Ive always felt so empty, unloved and unhappy but...yeah I've never been a fan of superficial & shallow relationships or superficial and shallow anything.</p> <p>While were on the topic I had a...wait for it...moment! You know the ones that happen in adverts and the thing that James Blunt talks about in you're beautiful. When one person catches your eye and you end up wishing you could spend more than the moment. It was at my college interview and he was in the corridor of the building, what if I see him again? I will... I dunno but it would be cool. I saw him again on my way out and he said I had nice hair. I couldn't stop smiling...even when I got home. <img src="/img/smilies/graybigrazz.gif" alt=":P" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>NO LONGER AM I HAVING THOGHTS FOR THE DAY BUT...</p> <p><u>Something Silly:</u><br> Two wrongs dont make a right... but three rights make a left </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/26/i_ll_survive_its_the_only_thing_i_can_do~2167541/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/26/i_ll_survive_its_the_only_thing_i_can_do~2167541/#commentshttp://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/24/i_cant_do_this_anymore~2154119/tag:xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk,2007-04-24:/2007/04/24/i_cant_do_this_anymore~2154119/Tue, 24 Apr 2007 18:30:22 +0200 <p>... my lil sister overheard my dad talking to Natasha about how I used to cut and now she told my big sister (who after calling me an attention seeking, mad girl with no real problems) told my other sister who has now gone to get my brother. </p> <p>Now everyone knows and I cant take it anymore. I thought I was strong yet here I am blubbering and sobbing like a baby. I cant take it anymore, I want out, out of my house, out of my family and basically out of life. What do I have to hold on to? what do I have left? </p> <p>I want it to end now! Ive had enough, I want my life to be over. I didnt even know I felt this way until these words started pouring out. I've had enough, I dont care about what happens, if I end up in hell, anywhere is better than earth.</p> <p>xxx</p> <p>Thought For Today: Why do I bother with thoughts for today? They do nothing to uplift my mood </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/24/i_cant_do_this_anymore~2154119/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/24/i_cant_do_this_anymore~2154119/#commentshttp://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/23/yeah_so_now_he_knows~2146975/tag:xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk,2007-04-23:/2007/04/23/yeah_so_now_he_knows~2146975/Mon, 23 Apr 2007 16:17:02 +0200 <p>My dad knows about my scars. He said that I might as well kiss my acting career goodbye but its not like I had got very far with it, sure im <del>fan-fucking-tastic</del> talented but I dont have the resources (no agent, no qualifications, v. little experience) so I guess acting is over before it began.</p> <p>I made him promise not to tell anyone but he has told my eldest sister so now I know not to trust him anymore.</p> <p>He thinks that I am a manic depressive. I looked it up and it does sound alot like me but I dont think that I am Bipolar 'coz Ive never been diagnosed. I think Im probably just a moody teenager that has a funny way of dealing with things. </p> <p>Anywho 2 weeks left of school before my exams and I cant wait to see the back of the place. I HATE school it sucks so much. Its a bunch of superficial and stuck up people searching for approval from each other and sucking up others to get to the top of the social ladder. Its stupid and Im glad to not even <em>be</em> on that ladder because the ladder will come down and they'll drop off yet my feet are FIRMLY planted on the ground (even if my head is in the clouds!) </p> <p>I JUST HAD A SONG IDEA g2g!</p> <p>Thought For Today (I 4got yesterday): Do birds wee?</p> <p>Cant wait for the GC concert! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/23/yeah_so_now_he_knows~2146975/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/23/yeah_so_now_he_knows~2146975/#commentshttp://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/22/numb_it_all~2139370/tag:xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk,2007-04-22:/2007/04/22/numb_it_all~2139370/Sun, 22 Apr 2007 18:39:17 +0200 <p>I have got to stop caring about what others think of me. It is getting to a point where it hurts to breathe. Maybe not literally but metaphorically you know? Everyone has been getting on my case I'm like "I have more things to worry about then the state of my room!" and I even overheard my dad say "Shes an embarassment to us," he doesnt know the half of it.</p> <p>I still have my blade and there have been at least 2 times when I have thought <em>maybe just once more</em> or there was even one time when I thought <em>I wonder...if I just move it along a vein</em> and the only thing that stopped me is the thought of the fact that there are others going through worse than having a family that sees them as an "embarassment", having a mother that doesnt care and a step mum that doesnt like them, constantly having to deal with all of the "Whats wrong with her? She has to change." and not remembering what it feels like to be happy.</p> <p>I've tried to be strong but maybe I'm just not good enough. Maybe I was never strong to begin with and maybe just maybe (though I feel like its a possibilty) I dont deserve to be happy.</p> <p>I spend more time fighting back tears and pretending to be okay then actually genuinly feeling okay.</p> <p>The GC concert at least thats something to look forward to. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/22/numb_it_all~2139370/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/22/numb_it_all~2139370/#commentshttp://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/21/can_she_not_butt_out~2135400/tag:xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk,2007-04-21:/2007/04/21/can_she_not_butt_out~2135400/Sat, 21 Apr 2007 22:18:13 +0200 <p>She is honestly getting on my nerves. No not Natasha as much but Mandy. She's meant to be <em>my</em> sister and she calls me shouting about how I haven't cleaned my room and there are dirty clothes all over the floor. PHONES me while I am at my brothers house and starts SHOUTING down the phone like I have committed some sort of crime. </p> <p>Shes a phoney and a fake and if she wasn't my sister she'd be the sort of person I hate but because she is I can only dislike her.</p> <p>She tells me how Natasha has no right to shout at me then she does it! and to add insult to injury she'd tell me how much Natasha annoys her then turn around and treat Natasha like Gods gift and completly sidestep me!!! I would so totally disown her if she wasnt pregnant (shes 27) but I heard that stress can cause a miscaridge and I dont want to be responsible, if something bad happened I couldn't forgive myself not for her! oh no forget her! For her baby and my nephew!</p> <p>Apart from that today has been okay. But I have a question. Is it possible to talk to a councillor without my dad knowing? He thinks im fine and I dont want hime to know that sometimes I just aint.</p> <p>THOUGHT FOR TODAY:Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/21/can_she_not_butt_out~2135400/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/21/can_she_not_butt_out~2135400/#commentshttp://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/20/who_s_the_not_so_bright_spark~2129684/tag:xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk,2007-04-20:/2007/04/20/who_s_the_not_so_bright_spark~2129684/Fri, 20 Apr 2007 21:09:37 +0200 <p>...who decided it'll be a good idea to make us come into school on a Saturday?!?</p> <p>And its all "Oh its trampolining and badminton moderation so if they dont come in and they chose them sports then they dont get graded!"</p> <p>Its unfair PE moderation should be done in PE time (or at least school time GRRRRRR)</p> <p>Anyway Im looking forward to the Good Charlotte concert can't wait. I think I can have fun with my brother, after all he's old enough to buy alcohol so thats always good </p> <p>Ive never been to a Good Charlotte concert before and they have got some mosh-able songs in their new album ('spesh the river with Avenged Sevenfold)I wonder if they mosh at GC concerts. I cant see myself headbanging and moshing along to "Girls dont like boys girls like cars and moneyyyyy" still love GC dont care what people say. (I love the song little things its so awesome)</p> <p>My dog is getting mated today (she has to stay there for the weekend) so erm...yeah the house feels eerie without her heavy breathing (shes a fat sausage dog you see...) I think that there is something quite cruel, barbaric and primitive about breeding. </p> <p>But as I always say (thanks to Panic!) "It sure as hell aint normal but we deal, we deal" (well I deal) so erm...yeah! My dad and his bitchy excuse for a wife are back from dropping of Paris (our dog) BOO HOO! I WANT HER BACK!!!</p> <p>I never realised how much I love my diet dodging dog and I could never quite figure out why...</p> <p>...THOUGHT FOR TODAY: If you tell someone they are being judgmental aren't you being judgmental yourself?</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/20/who_s_the_not_so_bright_spark~2129684/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/20/who_s_the_not_so_bright_spark~2129684/#commentshttp://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/19/i_thought_that_i_could_handle_it~2122642/tag:xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk,2007-04-19:/2007/04/19/i_thought_that_i_could_handle_it~2122642/Thu, 19 Apr 2007 18:46:20 +0200 <p>...but I was wrong. Its the prom on July 5th and I'm not sure if I want to go. I mean sure its for the memories and all but I doubt Id have fun. Theyre hiring a dj who will no doubt play pop music and bashment and thats it. Oh the fun I'll have. </p> <p>But worst of all will be to go it alone. I barely have any friends and they all have dates (the eager beavers) and the chance of being asked to the prom is slim to none. (going with the none).</p> <p>So I'll tag along, stick out and have a crappy time but its all for the memories. The pictures I can show my grankids and remembering that this is the second prom my school has had so Im lucky to have got one. </p> <p>Exam and coursework stress is getting to me but I am handling it <em>without </em>harming although with the pressure building up that is getting harder but Im also getting stronger. Learning that there are other ways to deal with things without hurting myself. </p> <p>Guy F (the one from yesterday's blog) hugged me today (okay in a jokey way) and I felt...nothing. So what does that mean exactly? Do I not like him? Does it mean anything? because after all I did say it, or am I just weird? lol</p> <p>My brother is meant to be buying me tickets to see Good Charlotte and if my friend cant make it then he's going to come with me. That'll be okay I dont mind he'll fit in (not!) but he is paying so I cant really complain.</p> <p>"...Its not so conventional, it sure as hell aint normal but we deal, we deal" - Panic! at the disco Relax, Relapse (Camisado). Oh how that sums up my life <img src="/img/smilies/icon_smile.gif" alt=":)" class="middle" border="0">I'll deal seems to be the thing I always say now. If you havent heard of Panic! at the disco I suggest you listen to them (but you should have heard of them. I write sins not tragedies has been radio raped,)</p> <p>Oh yeah and one more thing...<br> I luff you <3 &hearts</p> <p>THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is? And what would happen if they did? (anyone willing to try that out <img src="/img/smilies/graybigrazz.gif" alt=":P" class="middle" border="0">)</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/19/i_thought_that_i_could_handle_it~2122642/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/19/i_thought_that_i_could_handle_it~2122642/#commentshttp://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/17/and_i_wish_you_away~2110107/tag:xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk,2007-04-17:/2007/04/17/and_i_wish_you_away~2110107/Tue, 17 Apr 2007 19:08:54 +0200 <p>Have you ever met someone who makes you feel so silly. You watch guys who flirt with girls (I watch everything, very observant) and watch the girls swoon. I think <em>how could they fall for that?</em></p> <p>But he made me look at the world in such a different way. I thought I was misunderstood, because of the way I dress, the way I look and the way I act but he has it worse. He's popular and he's living a lie. He has to pretend every day to be something that he is not. He (maybe not directly) told me that the way it works is these girls want to be convinced that they are beautiful and these guys just wanna get the girls (Im not a boy basher and Im just being honest. Youre not all like that *fingers crossed* <img src="/img/smilies/graybigrazz.gif" alt=":P" class="middle" border="0">). </p> <p>When we first came to the school he wasnt popular but he <em>became</em> popular and with that lost touch with his true self. </p> <p>I know all we do is talk and I know we <del>probably</del> definatly wouldn't get beyond that and I'm okay with it. I used to hate people like him "Is it that difficult to be yourself?" But now I envy and pity him all at the same time. He gets to have a lot of <del>friends </del> aquaintances, and he gets to listen to kick ass music (Seether anyone???) but at the same time it all comes at a price. Living wearing a constant mask.</p> <p>And when I think of that, I wish him away, not the real him because the real him is <strong>the sex</strong> (maybe not that cool). I wish the mask away.</p> <p>I spent a whole blog talking about this boy? What is wrong with me.</p> <p>No I dont <del>love</del> like him, like him. He is a womaniser. (well girl-aliser coz he's only dated one older girl, 4 years older).</p> <p>I guess he amazes me, He intrigues me, fascinates me and dare I say it scares me. </p> <p>Mabye I do love him. It hurts when I see him with other girls, when I hear through the grape vine that him and this, that or other girl went this far etc. </p> <p>But then again I have this gut feeling that I don't Love him. I thought when you love someone you just <em>know</em> you know? But why then am I so confused? Why then does it make me laugh when I hear a nasty rumour about him (the price of popularity)I cant supress a giggle?</p> <p>Is it a platonic love? Do I love him but Im not <em>in</em> love with him?</p> <p>And most importantly...</p> <p>...THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Can you cry underwater?</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/17/and_i_wish_you_away~2110107/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/17/and_i_wish_you_away~2110107/#commentshttp://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/15/this_needs_a_title~2098185/tag:xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk,2007-04-15:/2007/04/15/this_needs_a_title~2098185/Sun, 15 Apr 2007 21:33:15 +0200 <p>My latest lyrics have no title. Help. Title it. Judge it. Not my best but oh well.<br> <strong><br> sex is just for lack of a better word btw</strong></p> <p><em>A rose by any other name will smell as sweet,<br> Yet every rose has its thorns,<br> Sex is swiftly followed by abandonment,<br> Two become one then one becomes two,</p> <p><strong>Excuse me while I pull the knife from my back,<br> Here have my heart,<br> Shatter it for its no use to me now,<br> You got what you want now go</strong></p> <p>My heart is ice and now its shattered,<br> The icicles stuck in my lungs,<br> But dont pretend to worry it doesnt hurt a lot,<br> only when I breathe</p> <p><strong>Excuse me while I pull the knife from my back,<br> Here have my heart,<br> Shatter it for its no use to me now,<br> You got what you want now go</strong></p> <p>For this one moment I wish you away,<br> But give it a day I'd want you back,<br> For this one moment don't want you to stay,<br> And you know better than that</p> <p></em> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/15/this_needs_a_title~2098185/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/15/this_needs_a_title~2098185/#commentshttp://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/14/on_chinchilla_s_frank_iero_and_notebooks~2091015/tag:xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk,2007-04-14:/2007/04/14/on_chinchilla_s_frank_iero_and_notebooks~2091015/Sat, 14 Apr 2007 16:48:53 +0200 <p>I went to pets at home and I saw that they sell chinchillas (my favourite animal in the world) so I put on my sweet voice.</p> <p>"Daddy, Can I have one please?" And this is what I get.</p> <p>"No." </p> <p>Just because Natasha's scared of rats. Its not a rat its a chinchilla two completly different animals. I think I'm going to buy two of them and just hide them in my room. </p> <p>Sure I'll look after them but I just wont let my dad or my little sister see them.</p> <p>I'll call them Brendon & Ryan after my two favourite members of Panic! at the disco or maybe I'll call them Pete & Patrick from Fall Out Boy (my favourite members of a different band).</p> <p>I bought Kerrang (I'm so out of date I should have bought it on Wednesday when it came out) and I got this massive poster (A2). It had Trivium on oneside and Frank Iero holding an adorable little dog on the other side. Whats a girl to do? Frank eventually won though and I can't wait until Wednesday when theres going to be a big A2 poster of Fall Out Boy...after a water fight. *swoon*</p> <p>After a lot of thinking I have decided to start taking my notebook into school. I always seem to get hit with a ray of creativity while in school (escpecially maths <img src="/img/smilies/graybigrazz.gif" alt=":P" class="middle" border="0">) and have nothing to write it down in, lets just hope that no one steals it and reads it. That could be bad.</p> <p>90% of the stuff I write in there is rubbish but every so of oten I'd read something back and it gives me idea's, inspiration and something to work from. </p> <p>My lyrics have been getting more and more...blah and they need an injection of inspiration quickly. I want to try and write somthing deep from a shallow view point. You probably don't know what I am talking about so I'm going to shut up. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/14/on_chinchilla_s_frank_iero_and_notebooks~2091015/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/14/on_chinchilla_s_frank_iero_and_notebooks~2091015/#commentshttp://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/11/on_writing_lyrics_wishing_upon_a_star_an~2073025/tag:xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk,2007-04-11:/2007/04/11/on_writing_lyrics_wishing_upon_a_star_an~2073025/Wed, 11 Apr 2007 18:06:04 +0200 <p>Today I tried to write lyrics for my non exsistant band. Money's been a little bit tight so I have to wait until August until I can get a guitar only then can I even think about even getting lessons </p> <p>So I was sitting there, with my pen and my little note book writing words, scribbling, rephrasing them only to rip out the whole page and throw it away then realising that I could have kept them for future reference. </p> <p>The thing is that I'm naturally a poetic person (at least I like to think so) but the problem is I have difficulty fitting them into songs which would be much easier if I had a guitar (and knew how to play it) so I can find a way to get it to fall into place. I finally wrote one song that sounds far better than it looks and I'm happy with it.</p> <p>I want more than anything to finally form my own band and hopefully get a bit of recognition. Its going to be hard and starting in September I'm going to set it up from scratch. I'm going to have to find a new bassist, drummer and lead guitarist. LuCkY mE<br> But I've started on lyrics already so once I get my members I'm all set.</p> <p>Me and my "step mum" had yet another arguement this time about the way I dress not that its any of her business. So what if I wear studs and maybe a couple of spikes. I like eyeliner and hoodies and I listen to punk/grunge/rockability etc what does it matter? And what made it bad is that everyone in my family took her side. Does it really matter what music I'm into?</p> <p>The music I listen to and the clothes I wear, and my attitude to things as dark as death and as light as life define who I am and for them to insult it felt like they were taking a stab at the very person that I am. I ended up storming up to my room and went straight to bed and I didn't cry or cut because I realised just because they don't like who I am doesn't spell out the end of the world, its not going to cause me no physical pain (self inflicted or otherwise) anymore and it certainly isn't going to change who I am. </p> <p>Because I believe in me regardless of what others may think and I've realised how emotionally weak I have been. It's about time I changed for the better because I don't like the person I was. This is my last post in this (rather deep and difficult) blog and I look forward to starting a new one. goodbye "The Life Of Me" and hello to </p> <p>"Lets get these teen hearts beating faster, faster" Title Taken from Panic! at the disco, Lying Is The Most Fun A Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off</p> <p>Bye Guys. See you in my new blog (hopefully)<br> xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/11/on_writing_lyrics_wishing_upon_a_star_an~2073025/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/11/on_writing_lyrics_wishing_upon_a_star_an~2073025/#commentshttp://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/05/on_mothers_mcr_and_your_support~2039042/tag:xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk,2007-04-05:/2007/04/05/on_mothers_mcr_and_your_support~2039042/Thu, 05 Apr 2007 16:46:42 +0200 <p>This recent business with my "step-mother" Natasha has sparked a fuse in my brain and got me thinking. <em>What of my real mother?</em> I've decided to tell you about her and you're probably thinking Why is she spilling her heart out to a bunch of strangers? but for me it is easier to tell people who don't know me and I don't have to face then to get my emotions out in the open to others. </p> <p>My parents divorced when I was about 2 1/2 and I went to live with my mother. She wasn't a very good mum to be honest and we were in and out of hotels, and ate one meal a day of fried egg and chips (My older siblings used to take care of me while she went out doing god knows what and thats all they could cook). It was hard and one by one we moved to live with my dad. She used to visit weekly and we all liked this arrangement until I was 5. One day she decided to stop visiting then a month later show up at our doorstep bringing her boyfriend over and tried to make me call him daddy. I'm not stupid, I know who my dad is and I refused. This sparked an arguement which ended with her leaving in a huff, and her new boyfriend with a broken nose. </p> <p>This may sound uber cheesy but its true, I still remember the last words we spoke to each other:</p> <p>"Will you remember who I am?" - me</p> <p>"Yeah of course I will?"   - her.</p> <p>Then why did she stop talking to me? And why only srnd me one birthday card? I'd never admit it to anyone but you (because you don't personally know me) but it hurt.</p> <p>Anyway change of topic. MCR. My Chemical Romance. They are the people that have changed my life, really. There has been so many lies going around about their "cult" status but they have never once told me to hurt myself. Their messages are messages of hope, of light in the darkest of days, and helping people like me through some tough times. Honestly listen to the words of Welcome To The Black Parade, look beyond the skeletal figures, the black costumes and the scary make-up (or at least ask yourself why they are there) and listen to the message, what they are actually saying.</p> <p>Another final message to all those that have commented on my blog, thank you it really does mean a lot to me. Do you know what I did yesterday? I had my blade in my hand, put it to my skin, and didn't cut. I know it may not seem like a big deal to you but it is to me. I came so close but turned around and decided not to do it. Maybe I'm finally turning over a new leaf but I know its not over yet. This leaf just so happens to be made of lead. But I think I can do it, I know I can do it, though it may take a bit of time. Big huggles and smoochies to you all.</p> <p>THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/05/on_mothers_mcr_and_your_support~2039042/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/05/on_mothers_mcr_and_your_support~2039042/#commentshttp://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/04/on_people_i_hate_suicidal_thoughts_and_g~2030923/tag:xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk,2007-04-04:/2007/04/04/on_people_i_hate_suicidal_thoughts_and_g~2030923/Wed, 04 Apr 2007 10:36:29 +0200 <p>The people I hate are infact my dads wife. Just her, that bitch. Let me explain what happened.</p> <p>Who the fuck does she think she is?</p> <p>She moans about me not tidying my room, fair enough but to go and just be plain spiteful and bitchy is another thing.<br> She was all</p> <p>"I dont like denise" (she was talking to my dad by the way) "I cant wait until she is 16 and not my responsibility"</p> <p>So I come downstairs and tell her to shut her mouth because she aint so perfect or she can just fuck off home and she was all</p> <p>"I am at home, I am your mother"</p> <p>The bitch fucking aint my fucking mother she just like a fucking maid, A mothers supposed to care and she couldnt care less about me (Now Billie is a different matter all together; she loves Billie)<br> Its like Rachel (my real mother) did a better job and she hasnt been around for 11 years. Then this morning my dad trys to make me say goodmorning to her, like she was gonna say it back HELL NO!<br> If she wasnt my dads wife she would be smothered in ugly bruises by now!<br> That arguement and the feeling of helplessness caused me to relapse and I now have three new scars to hide.</p> <p>It also got me thinking about my life and if its really worth living. Dont worry, I'm not going to commit suicide for one thing I'm far too afraid of the few people that do care who I may leave behind. Im in one of those moods where whenever I look in the mirror I want to punch it because I hate the person looking back. I know I dont want to end it because every life is beautiful but I just wish it never began you know? I'll get over it, I always do</p> <p>Guys are confusing honestly. We were playing this game yesterday in Science Revision called "Would You Screw?" (pretty self explainitory <img src="/img/smilies/graybigrazz.gif" alt=":P" class="middle" border="0"> ) I was suprised at the sort of girls guys like. It confused me further, why am I still single? They like smart, pretty girls with a sense of humour and I'm sure I tick at least two of the three. Any guys out there care to explain the workings of your warped minds??</p> <p>THOUGHT FOT TODAY: Why do we say we're head over heels when we're happy? Isn't that the way we normally are?</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/04/on_people_i_hate_suicidal_thoughts_and_g~2030923/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/04/04/on_people_i_hate_suicidal_thoughts_and_g~2030923/#commentshttp://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/03/31/on_april_fools_camden_and_high_school_mu~2009793/tag:xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk,2007-03-31:/2007/03/31/on_april_fools_camden_and_high_school_mu~2009793/Sat, 31 Mar 2007 17:46:02 +0200 <p>The one day a year where you can possibly endanger someones life and maybe even get away with it. Me and my sister are going to be pulling pranks left, right and centre, the same game every year. Starting at midnight tonight we see who can pull the most pranks on others (i.e Dad,Natasha,me or my sister,visiters pets whatever) the winner holds the title of Prankster of the Year. I'm looking forward to it and can barely withold my excitement. </p> <p>Came back from Camden. I actually went on my own and i t was, dare I say it fun. I just walked around, looked in the shops and generally enjoyed myself. Who needs others to have fun? Maybe I'm turning into a loner, and I actually don't mind.</p> <p>Auditions for the UK theatre version of High School Musical and I am SO scared. If I don't get in I am going to cry, scream and then storm out of there like the diva I am. I've finally figured out a way to cope as well. What I do is if I ever feel like cutting I cut. But just not myself. I cut open sachets of ketchup and squeeze it out like it is my blood. It actually works for me, and I tried the whole "break in emergency" idea that someone gave me. What if the people at the audition see my scars? looks like long sleeves to me.</p> <p>THOUGHT FOR TODAY: What bright spark thought it was a good idea to put the letter 's' in the word lisp? Its really annoying (escpecially for me I hav a lisp) </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/03/31/on_april_fools_camden_and_high_school_mu~2009793/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/03/31/on_april_fools_camden_and_high_school_mu~2009793/#commentshttp://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/03/31/on_annoying_stepmums_sequins_and_getting~2007854/tag:xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk,2007-03-31:/2007/03/31/on_annoying_stepmums_sequins_and_getting~2007854/Sat, 31 Mar 2007 11:09:45 +0200 <p>Welcome back to the life of me. This is my second post on here and I think I can safely say I love the whole blogging experience.</p> <p>Anyway my dad and his wife are really getting on my nerves. She drives me up the wall. She doesn't like me let me make that as clear as crystal, she even said so to my dad when she thought I wasn't listening but I was. </p> <p>Now I don't care when someone doesn't like me I'm not going to change but to be downright spiteful is another thing. Like when she cooks dinner she puts chicken on my plate even though she <em>knows </em>I'm a vegetarian, or like when she makes snide little comments about my dress sense who is she to talk? she's dresses far to young. Or like the time she told my dad not to let me get the top of my ear pierced because "its dangerous" (It's actually making me want to do it behind their back).</p> <p>Funny how when shes saying that I'm a bad person she fails to mention the fact that my little sister who is only 1yr 1mth 1week younger (exact) than me goes out and doesn't come back until past her curfew, or the fact that I'm passing all of my classes with A's and maybe a few Bs, or the fact that I <em>am</em> going to go to a good college. None of that matters to her because she doesn't like me. Well I don't like her and if not for my dad she would have definatly earned a slap in the face for the way she talks to me.</p> <p>My sister has just learnt to sew sequins and my jeans have paid the price for it. It was yin yang and I actually wouldnt have minded had she not had sewn it upside down. The Yin was on the wrong side!</p> <p>While trying to unthread it I cut my finger really badly and there was blood everywhere not a pretty sight escpecially for a recovering self-harmer.</p> <p>I was meant to go Camden with a few friends. You see I'm starting a band and I met our bassist on Myspace and were supposed to meeting up to discuss. I know what you're all thinking "meeting with someone from the internet, not safe." but thats why we both said we'd bring friends (lets hope she has some fit guy mates to bring along), only my friends are all fucktards and the girl who is supposed to play guitar cant make it (she goes my school) and we don't even have a drummer. I think I may be able to persuade someone to tag along with me but I'm not too sure. Waiting for the batteries to charge on my camera so I can finally upload pictures. This is my cue to leave you with a thought for today.</p> <p>THOUGHT FOR TODAY: what happens if a black cat walks under a ladder and breaks a mirror?<br> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/03/31/on_annoying_stepmums_sequins_and_getting~2007854/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/03/31/on_annoying_stepmums_sequins_and_getting~2007854/#commentshttp://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/03/30/it_s_not_easy_being_me~2004305/tag:xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk,2007-03-30:/2007/03/30/it_s_not_easy_being_me~2004305/Fri, 30 Mar 2007 17:07:46 +0200 <p><u><strong>30/03/07 - 16:34</strong></u></p> <p><em>Okay so I understand that you may not have a clue who I am. And if you don't then you don't need to know and if you do thats cool. I decided one day just out of randomness to start a proper blog and this is it. Sometimes it's going to be a diary type thing and sometimes it's going to be my thoughts, my real thoughts so... for those who know me forget everything you know about me. Now we have that out of the way lets get started.<br></em></p> <p>Today was possibly the most boring and lonliest days of my life. I was late for school so I got locked out and out of sheer frustration I walked out of the school before theu could lock the gates. I came home to a lonely house and it gave me time to just sit and think. But as luck would have it a friend of mine had to come over and I didn't get any thinking done. But that's not the main topic of this blog (this doesn't have a topic).</p> <p>I did get some thinking done this morning about something. I realised how I had become reliant on a blade. Sure I haven't actually cut for ages (well 3 1/2 weeks and counting), if I dont have a blade nearby when I'm sleeping (i.e on my bedside table) then I start to feel really nervous and I have to go find one , and then when I do I have to use it to prove to myself that it is a real one that actually works. People say throw the blades away and use the whole "out of sight, out of mind" theory but that doesn't work for me. Not having one around causes me to relapse. </p> <p>I know this is a really short blog but I'm going to end it there. Does anyone know any other coping mechanisms? If you do tell me I am willing to try everything.</p> <p>THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/03/30/it_s_not_easy_being_me~2004305/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://xxxthatgirlxxx.blog.co.uk/2007/03/30/it_s_not_easy_being_me~2004305/#comments